Kristen, 4 years old, was with her Mom
in a department store to buy diapers for her younger brother. A doll caught her attention, as
they were about to pay. Kristen pulled her mom back to
the aisle where she saw it. Her Mom said, “You’ve got lots of them at
home, let’s go.” But Kristen refused to
go and insisted on buying it. Her mom on the other hand was firm about not
buying the doll. Kristen, feeling
frustrated yelled, “I don’t want to go!” then turned around and started to run
away from her Mom.
Was her emotion valid? Was her reaction acceptable?
Frustration is an emotional reaction
when a goal is blocked and is commonly related to anger. Like adults, young children express emotions
everyday and we witness a variety of these in a preschool setting. Joy, fear,
anger, surprise, sadness and disgust are universal emotions, expressed similarly
in all cultures and are already present at birth or in the early months (The
Development of Children, 2009). A
person’s characteristic pattern of emotional reactions is a basic element of
personality (A Child’s World, 2008). Children of Kristen’s age may use hitting,
biting, or pushing as a way to solve conflicts. They simply don’t understand
the difference between appropriate and inappropriate interactions yet. Although 3-year-olds begin to understand the
emotions they are feeling, they have very little control over them. If they
feel something, they will likely act on it. This may mean snatching away a toy
from another child if they want to play with it. They get upset when told to
wait for something they want to do right
away. If they find something funny, they will laugh wildly. If they get
excited, they will jump and yell uncontrollably. When children are extremely
happy, they giggle almost endlessly and wrestle each other. If they feel sad or
angry they will burst into tears.
As adults, we know how it feels to be
frustrated or upset and we should know how to appropriately react or express
such feelings. On the other hand, these feelings present special challenges to
children’s self-regulation abilities. Between 2 to 6 years of age, children
develop a number of strategies to help them keep their emotions under control
(Grolnik, McMenamy Kurowski, 1999,
Saarni, 2007, Gross & Thompson, 2007). Emotional self-regulation helps
children guide their behavior (Laible & Thompson, 1998) and contributes to
their ability to get along with others (Denham,et al, 2005).
Emotional understanding becomes more
complex with age. Preschoolers can talk about their feelings and often discern
the feelings of others (Saarni, Mumme, & Campos, 1998). By about age 3,
having acquired self-awareness plus a good deal of knowledge about their
society’s accepted standards, rules and goals, children become better able to
evaluate their own thoughts, plans and desires, and behaviour, against what is
considered socially appropriate. This is when they develop self-conscious
emotions such as embarrassment, empathy and envy, and the self-evaluative
emotions of pride, guilt and shame.
What Can Adults Do to Help Preschoolers in Understanding,
Regulating and Controlling their Emotions?
Parents, teachers, and other adults can
help children understand and control their emotions (Havighurst, Harley, &
Prior, 2004; Thompson, 2006; Thompson & Lagattuta, 2005). They can talk
with children to help them cope with distress, sadness, anger, or guilt
(highered.Mcgraw-hill.com). Shame, guilt and pride depend on internalization of
parental standards of behaviour (A Child’s World, 2008).
Modelling appropriate behaviour is
still the most effective way of showing kids how to respond appropriately. As
noted by Berk and Shanker (2006), by watching adults handle their own feelings,
preschoolers pick up strategies for regulating emotions. Warm, patient parents,
who use verbal guidance to help children understand and control their feelings,
including suggesting and explaining strategies, strengthen the child’s capacity
to handle stress (Gottman, Katz & Hooven, 1997). In contrast, when parents
rarely express positive emotion, dismiss their child’s feelings as unimportant,
and have difficulty controlling their own anger and hostility, children have
continuing problems managing their emotions, that may seriously
interfere with psychological adjustment (Calkins & Johnson, 1998; Eisenberg,
et. Al, 2001; Gillion et al, 2002; Katz & Windecker-Nelson, 2004).
Accordingly, to be competent members of
society, children must learn how to control their emotions in addition to
controlling their thoughts and actions (The Development of Children, 2009). In fact according to Dennis (2006), the
ability to understand and regulate, or control one’s feelings is one of the key
advances of early childhood. The
emerging ability to control emotions help the preschool-age child deal with the
disappointments, frustrations, and injured feelings that are so common at this
stage.
Clearly this is a complex topic that
requires parents, caregivers and those who interact with a child on a regular
basis to work together. Modelling behaviours, teaching strategies to help cope,
as well as working on language with children to help them express their
emotions are key to supporting the child and family and are of utmost importance
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